Some of us may have trouble saying no to all kinds of things. We may want to say no, but suddenly a yes comes in. You may end up doing something that you don’t want. I was in this situation, and sometimes I still am. I would feel angry, frustrated, and exhausted. I took it out on others. I would have many angry outbursts. So by saying yes to what I didn’t want, I was actually not present for others. I learned that I only had the illusion of being present. When I learned the power of saying no, it was so liberating. I learned to hear myself and my needs, as well as put them on a golden plate before others.
Some of you may feel it is selfish to do this. It isn’t. It is simply being aware of what your limits are, and honoring them, so you can be more present and of service for others. It is vital to know when to stop for your own sanity. How can you take care of others if you are exhausted or sick? At these moments, your body and mind are screaming out for rest. Don’t you prefer to do something for another with all your heart, rather than feel forced to do it?
Knowing all of this now, here are 4 Powerful Ways I offer you to say No Guilt-Free:
1) Figure Out Why You Have Difficulty Saying No
Many of you want to please others. Most people are very altruistic and love to help. It is usually because they are seeking appreciation, acknowledgement, and approval from others. The more approval you seek, the more you meet unsatisfied people, and people who ask more of you. Many times you may end up being a doormat. You start to feel angry, frustrated, and forced to do something you don’t want to do. You end up not working on what is important to you, and instead you work on what is important to others. Why? Because you want to feel loved. However, love does not come from others, but from yourself. By saying no to what you don’t want to do, and what is not important to you or less important, you make space for what makes your heart sing. You also find time to work on projects that are important to you, or spend time with the most important people in your life. You start taking care of you. We can only give of ourselves to others, when we take care of us first.
2) Find Techniques on How to Say No Guilt-Free
One of the problems many of us face, is feeling guilty about saying no. You may be afraid of hurting the other person’s feelings, feeling guilty for not helping, or maybe even feeling selfish. How can you say no in a nice way? For each situation there will be a different way of saying no. It also depends to whom you are talking to. You will say no differently to a co-worker than to a boss, or no differently to a child than to an adult, or a person very close to you. For example, if someone asks you to help them with something, you may respond like this:
“Thank you so much for thinking of me to help you with X project, but right now I have a very busy week and I can’t. I know this X person who may be able to help you.”
Or you can say the following:
“I may be able to help you at another time when I finish these projects that are urgent.”
If it is a child, you could say: “Mommy is busy right now doing X something, but at X time I will play with you.”
If it is your spouse, your option is the following: “Honey, right now it is really important for me to work on this project. Maybe X can help you with this.”
I did some research on this. In one article, I learned that you can always give an alternative to the person. I am offering another solution, as you will notice here.
Personally, if you really don’t want to do something, don’t offer to do it later. Instead, offer them another alternative. If it is a person very close to you, depending on their personality, you can just say the truth, I don’t feel like doing it now. You can also say, I would love to help you with this but… (fill in the blank). Those are just basic examples. Please get creative and use what comes naturally to you. Use what you feel comfortable saying. Remember, be aware of your intention before expressing it. Knowing what your intention is, will ensure that what you communicate is what you really intend to say. You do not want it to be interpreted differently.
3) Be Clear, Confident, and Firm With Your Words and Body Language
When you say no, it is very important to be very clear, confident, and firm in your tone of voice and your body language, so the person can take you seriously. If you hesitate, the person finds an open door to convince you to do what you don’t want to do. It is very important to be sure of what you are saying, and making sure you express it properly to the other person. This way you will be respected by others. Remember, you have the right to not want to do something. You have the right to say no. This is vital for your well being.
4) Techniques To Use If I Say No, and I am not heard
Many of you may have difficult people in your lives. These people could be stubborn or oppositional, in other words, people who don’t always respect your boundaries. How do you deal with them? I have three people like this in my family. I have a daughter who has Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Many times, it is not easy for her to handle the word no. I learned some ways to communicate better with her. Here are some suggestions:
A) For Kids I noticed that many times when you say no, a person who is oppositional becomes more so. Many times, I have to find a different way to state my boundary with her. With children, you can offer a reward of some kind that you know you can give. Instead of saying no, find other words to express how you feel. One thing I tried to make her understand how I was feeling, was to state things in simple concrete terms:
“I love you, and I will spend time with you later at two pm.”
Then, I followed through on this. If the child comes back to bug you, stand your ground and stick to what you previously said. Do not give in. As mothers, children will often times try to make you feel guilty saying things like:
“But mommy I want to spend time with you now.”
Your response? “Yes I also want to spend time with you sweetie when I am finished doing what I need to do, and it will be at two pm like I said.”
B) For Adults: I repeat my point more firmly and do not change my mind. For example, my husband always asks me to make food, but it is either never enough or it is too much. He is never satisfied no matter what I have tried to do. I personally found that it costs a lot of money and work to prepare the food, and many times he is not even eating it. I decided to simply buy less food, and make less food. What is the point of making and buying more food if it is not being consumed? Right. You might find it is tough at first, but if someone cannot understand when you mean no, then you need to show them.
C) Let go. Sometimes people want to get into a fight with you. Don’t invite that conflict. I tell people once what I think, and I leave the room if necessary. It is important to stick to your point without getting into a fight. How? Ignore them, go to your room, tell them you need your space, etc.
You can also be firm in your no, and show them that you are serious. Take actions that show you are worthy of respect. Stand up for yourself, and do not let others walk all over you. You deserve others to respect your boundaries.
Remember, saying no is important to keep your sanity, your health, and your well-being intact. You deserve to take care of yourself. Having boundaries shows others you are worthy of respect. You can only take care of others if you take care of yourself. So put yourself first, then you can be happy and content in your life.
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